i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
