i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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