blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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