its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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