i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
