I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
