I swear she didn't look like that last week.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
