what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
