What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
