Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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