the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
