in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
