He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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