I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
