so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize