I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
