He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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