Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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