On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
