Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
