girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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