he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
