i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
