dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
