I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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