my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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