So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
