My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
