The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
