thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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