I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize