grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
