I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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