I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
