i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
