the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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