Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Is it penis luge time yet?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
