Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
