I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
