Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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