Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
