i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
