If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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