she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
