Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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