the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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