Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
