your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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