just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
