Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
