she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
