genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
