You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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