does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
