$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
