while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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