I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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