Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
