I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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