apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
