dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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