Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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