i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
